I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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