i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
