Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
