Can i not drive my cunt home
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
