i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
