I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
