My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
