god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
