Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
