oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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