he shaved USA in his pubs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize