that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize