i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the condom got lost in my hair
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
