He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There's always time for handjobs
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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