I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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