why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
