maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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