Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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