You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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