My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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