ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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