my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize