I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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