I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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