My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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