I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
