I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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