Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize