I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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