Im at strip club and am horny
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
