sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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