I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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