I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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