i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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