hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
