Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
