he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
organizing the empties. That sober.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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