No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize