Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
