I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
