Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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