things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
