i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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