I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
