I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize