Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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