when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
