I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
