she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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