Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
