Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
