Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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