Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
