I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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