I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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