So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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