Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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