oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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