WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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