Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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