You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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